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Skeet Golf/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: Is the world going by too fast? Does your life seem like a bad movie and the vcr's stuck on fast-forward? It's flashing "12:00, 12:00, 12:00, 12:00"? Well, it's time to put your life on pause, readjust your skew, reset your counter, clean your heads. It's "the red green show." and here's the man whose life really is a tv show on the unmarked tape of reality. Here he is, my uncle, and the man they call red green -- well, because it's his name. Here he is, red green! Thank you, harold. Thank you, and, uh, welcome to possum lodge. Despite, actually, what my nephew harold here says, I'm not so much the star of the show as I am ringmaster of the circus. So, let's, uh, bring in the clowns. Harold, say hello. Okay. Um, hello. I-I'm harold green. I'm the, uh, director/producer of the show. Wa-a-a! And I do things like this. [ keyboard clacking ] ha ha! It gives the show that, you know, professional and slick look. Yeah, a lot like his haircut. And we all have different areas of expertise up here at the lodge. And as ringmaster, my job is to understand the workings of the human mind and see if that in any way relates to any of the lodge members. Because we all have, uh, all these different interests, and yet, you know, we do share, uh, certain things. We share a love of sports and the outdoors and beer and good talk and women. Although I think if most of the members could -- could find a woman, they'd probably drop everything else. Actually, uncle red, you're married, and you still like sports, beer, and the outdoors. Yeah, but I-I just do that to keep my marriage fresh, harold. Anyway, everybody has all these different interests, and -- and nobody judges anybody, so -- so you don't get judged yourself. You know, "let he who is without stupidity cast the first insult." and sometimes the guys will actually combine a couple of their interests, like, uh, say, beer and the outdoors or beer and sports or beer and talk. Helmut: Pull! [ thwack ] bob: Fore! [ gunshot ] pull! [ thwack ] [ gunshots ] what was that? Well, that's, uh -- that's another, uh, combo out there. You see, uh, bob drives the golf balls out, and then, uh, helmut blasts them out of the air with a shotgun shell. It's called "skeet golf." how come nobody, like, combines their interests with mine? You know, I-I feel sort of left out. I have interests, too. Well, why don't we do that right now, harold? You take us into the next segment with that -- that gizmo of yours, which is one of your interests, and then I can go back to ignoring you, which is one of mine. Oh, okay. Great. Was that an insult? Not if you have to ask. Ah, no. Sorry, bill. Now you took too much off that leg. You got to take some more off the other side. Bill, bill, bill, bill, bill! Can you take it outside? Thank you. Helmut: Pull! Bob: Fore! [ gunshot ] good, good. Been shopping, huh, glen? Got some stuff for the r.V., harold. Air fresheners. Whoo! When it comes to r.V.S, you're -- what's that phrase? What's that phrase? It starts with an "a." aficionado. No. Anal-retentive. That's it. [ gunshots ] [ laughter in distance ] what the hell's going on out there? Oh, bob and helmut -- they're playing skeet golf. Ah. Skeet golf? Yeah. Like, bob can't get anybody to play golf with him, right, and helmut can't find anybody to go hunting with him, so what they do is bob hits the balls, and then helmut blasts them. And the little pieces -- when they land, they don't hit people. Oh. Helmut: Pull! Bob: Fore! [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] oh, my god. That was glass breaking. My r.V.'s parked -- they've wrecked my r.V.! No, no. Glen, no. I'm pretty sure no way, because they hit them out towards the lake. You're okay, really. Oh. All right. I'll tell you what we'll do, helmut. We'll pretend that -- oh. [ laughs nervously ] uh, hi, glen. Uh, how are you doing today? Good to see you. You guys wrecked my r.V., didn't you? Glen, glen, don't be silly. No, of course not. You're being nice to me. You did! You wrecked my... Way to go, helmut! Me? You're supposed to blast the ball before it hits the ground. You hit it backwards, bob. The ball actually went backwards. I don't mind shooting them when you're hooking them and slicing them in front of me, but I don't have eyes in the back of my head. You don't have anything in the back of your head. Glen: No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! Oh, god. Listen to him. What's with him and that mobile home, anyway? You know what he is? Well, I don't want to say it in front of harold, but it starts with an "a." anal-retentive? No, but you're close. I got to get some more shells. Guys been, uh, skeet golfing again there, bob? Ah, yes, sir, red. It's great fun, you know? Seeing little bits of dimpled ball rain down over the lake. You wrecked it! You wrecked my r.V.! You've destroyed it! Is it all smashed up in little pieces and everything? Yes. Wa-a-a! I got to see this! Neat! Red, they smashed my sunroof. You guys will pay for it. You guys will replace it, not me. I didn't wreck it. You animals wrecked it. All right, all right, glen. We'll replace it. Same make, same model, same everything. Fine. It's a 24-foot sea breeze coastliner 2000. I got the optional v-8 engine, and I got the plush interior. What kind of a sunroof is that? I think he's talking about the whole r.V., bob. Yes. You wrecked it. You replace it. Look, I'll replace the sunroof. The rest of it was your mistake. [ laughs ] you'll get me a new r.V., mister. I don't think so. Why don't you go talk to helmut, get him to replace it? That's it. Go yell at helmut. Oh, yeah. You'd love that, wouldn't you? Seeing me dead! You just get me a new r.V., bob. Maybe you don't remember this, but I'm the natural-resource rep in this area. Well, I could close down that marina of yours. It's just a big toxic dump with boats stuck to it. Fine, bob. Just get me a new r.V. Red, I want these guys suspended from the lodge until they buy me a substitute home. Well, you guys have to bring that up at the meeting tonight. I got -- I got some things to do. Bring your checkbook, pal. Well, you too, pal. I ought to go down to that black hole you call a marina for a quick inspection. I can probably come up with about -- oh, I don't know -- $5,000 worth of environmental infractions just at the gas pump! You owe me a new r.V., bob! ♪ lean to the left and lean to the right ♪ ♪ flop on your belly and shut your eyes tight ♪ ♪ hop on your haunches, jump in the air ♪ ♪ it looks to me like that meal was a little too spicy ♪ red: This week on, uh, "handyman corner," I'm gonna show you something you can do with an old fridge that's lost what it takes to keep your butter hard. You know, with an old -- an old fridge like this, I'll tell you something. You'd have to pay a scrap dealer to haul this thing away. But we're gonna turn it into something that no junk dealer would touch -- a gentleman's armoire. All right. First thing we got to do is... We got to disconnect the refrigeration unit here. [ grunting ] all righty. Now, we just pry all this stuff off the back. But we have a little problem here. Uh, there's a gas in this that's called freon. Now, this is a gas that has no smell. We don't see a lot of that up at the lodge. But the problem with it is that, uh, once this stuff cuts loose, it goes up, way up into the atmosphere and takes out the ono layer or something like that. So, uh, we got to be very careful and try and capture all the gas as soon as it escapes. So, here's what we do. We just, first of all, break the seal. [ gas hissing ] all right. Now very -- very quickly... [ vacuum cleaner whirs ] you know, if everybody did that, uh, the earth would be a heck of a lot better place to live. I'll tell you that. Now we're just gonna, uh, gently remove the -- the pump, uh, unit on the bottom there. [ grunts ] all righty. My golly, she's really on there. So, now we got her. And what do we have to do to turn it into a gentleman's armoire? Diddly squat. You got your ties in the door there. You got a shelf for your shirts. You got a shelf for your pants. You got a shelf for other things you don't like to describe in public. You keep your underwear in the cheese keeper over here. Keep your, uh, socks in the vegetable crisper. Might want to throw a box of baking soda in there. You got all your clothes handy and, uh -- and just right ready for you to use. And look what we got up here in the freezer. Your very own haber-stashery. You know, harold says teenagers like to wear cool clothes. Well, how much cooler can you be than to have your clothes in the fridge? Personally, I'd rather, uh, give my clothes to sally ann and throw harold in the fridge. Actually, I-I did want to show you something else you can do with a fridge. You can turn a fridge, actually, into a -- into a fishing boat. But we are a little short of time, so I'm just gonna say, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least, uh, find you handy. If you want to do the fishing-boat thing, you just, uh, knock off both doors, flip her over on its back, put a 20-horse on the back, throw your bait into the meat keeper, and you're gone. Oh, bill, wow. Great. Think you got it? Wa-a! Three more of these, and you can open a japanese restaurant. "it is spring. "the days are growing longer. "the nights are growing shorter. Some of us think there may be a connection." well, glen braxton is still on the warpath about his r.V.'s sunroof. Glen blames bob because, uh, bob's 90 pounds lighter than helmut, and, also, golf clubs don't hurt as much as guns. Now, bob, on the other hand -- he blames -- he blames helmut, but not to his face, of course. And helmut could care less, which is a pretty popular attitude up here at the lodge. But I'll tell you, bob has really got his dander up. Well, uncle red, he can use my special shampoo if he wants. Smells like rotten eggs, you know, but it really works. No, harold, I said, "he got his dander up," okay? It means he got angry. What -- what's a dander? Is it, like, a body part I've never heard of? I don't know what it is, harold. It's just something that goes up when you get angry. Well, if you don't know what it is, how do you know if it's up or down? Don't worry, harold. You'll know. Anyway, uh, bob has notified glen that, uh, the marina is a class-9 environmental hazard and a class-10 eyesore. He went down there taking samples. He's got air samples, water samples, soil samples. He's ended up -- he impounded the whole marina, including glen's r.V. That was parked inside. Glen got so darned mad, he attacked bob with a boat trailer. Is this whole situation getting out of control and/or what? I hate to see a good friendship break up 'cause of money. You know, that's why I never ask for a raise. Yeah. Well, this is a pride thing, harold. Neither one of these guys wants to look like a loser. There's a challenge. Now it's a question of honor, okay? Nobody wants to back down. Ah! So they're fighting like two roosters over a hen. Exactly right, harold. Wa-a-a! I knew this whole thing was about s-e-x. [ laughs ] fighting like two roosters. Wa-a! I'll bet you that's what a dander is. I'll bet you it's that -- like, that red, fleshy thing that hangs from a rooster's neck, like that. That's a dander. Wa-a! Figured it out. Dander. Wa-a! Oh, helmut, you're down here. Yeah. Greasing my...Pump. Boy, I sure envy you single guys. You know, helmut, this -- this stupid sunroof argument has blown way out of proportion. Bob and glen are acting like kids. Oh. That's terrible. What would their moms say? I know what my mom would say. She'd say, "you act civilized or else." whack! My mom's a special lady. Well, she must be, helmut. She lets you live at home. Well, I help with the rent. You know, the landlord comes over, and I scare him off. Life hasn't been easy for my mom. You know, first, I was a difficult birth. And that's not easy on a 16-year-old girl. And then my father -- you know, he left home when I was 6. Oh, my gosh. Where'd he go? The beer store. The first time I saw him get off the couch ever. And then my mom had to do everything herself -- clean the place, order the pizzas. But she held down two jobs. She was a wax jockey at the car wash and a human cannonball at the circus. She taught herself karate. This woman's a saint. Well, it sounds like she was canonized by the ringling brothers. And speaking of projectiles, helmut, uh, what about this sunroof thing? Well, uh, I guess I could have a look at it, but, uh, first, I got to get the pump running. Then I said I'd clean out the eaves troughs on stinky's truck. Well, I'd just appreciate if you take a look. You know what? I think your mother would appreciate it, too. Yeah? Really? Oh, yeah. I think so, yeah. Well, I-I'll do it right now, then, for ma. Great. Oh, I'd better take some tools. [ film projector clicking ] red: Bill told me to meet him out in the woods, but I didn't -- I couldn't -- oh, gosh sakes, huh? I guess bill had moved. Anyway, uh, what bill wanted to show us here was, if you're out in the woods and you get hungry, you don't have to have brought your lunch or anything. There's -- there's food available right from the various plants and trees. Now, this one here, for example, some type of a nut. It's a hard, little, uh, nut. Might be a type of a walnut or something. You just shake the tree. I thought maybe a kick might help, but that could -- yeah, yeah, that worked out well. Funny how the nuts would just all come down on the one side, but I would say the nuts are attracted to bill. Anyway, you gather them up and, uh, put them into your, uh -- into your... [ pop! ] it's kind of fun to do. I wasn't as hungry as bill. Now he's got to break the nuts open, so he's using the knife, trying to cut through, but the shell on these is quite -- watch your fingers there, bill. So, he does this with the back of the -- ow -- then -- and then, of course, he wants me to hold it. Watch her careful. Now, here we go. Watch this. Well, here we go. Up, up, up. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh. Oh, by golly. [ pop! ] holy smoke. Uh, he's, uh -- he's okay, though. He went up to the van to get a bandage on that. And I can -- actually, it worked quite well. He just took too much of a backswing on that one. And it didn't taste too bad, either. Now he thought he'd, uh, take a little safer approach, use a hammer on this, which I think was a little too much. Oh, oh. Yeah. But, uh, I mean, the food value is still there, even -- even though the nut is crushed a little. This -- that's not an attractive way to eat. Ah-choo! [ coughs ] bless you. Now, this is, uh -- this is an interesting wild berry that grows around the -- around the lodge. And there's two kinds of this. One is very sweet and delicious, and the other is very sour and -- and I think will kill you. And they look identical. So I think it's mainly -- no. No, we got the wrong ones. We got the wrong ones there, bill. Bill, wrong ones. And, of course, now the frustration. This happens with men sometimes, and it just... I'm not proud of that. Now, this was, uh, tried to use some smoke to get the bees out of the beehive so that we can get the honey. I never knew this before, but apparently, the smoke, uh -- but I think you should pay, bill, a little more attention to where the... Uh, bill? Uh, well, the -- I guess it's toasted honey. [ groans ] yeah, bill, I'll take care of it. Harold, uh, have you given any thought to having children anytime? Every night, I think about it. No, no, I mean having children. Oh. Uh...Well, yeah. I'd like to have children one day. Yeah, I think it'd be great. I'd like to have a child myself. No. No, you can't have a child. Yes, I could do that. With modern science, I bet you I could. You can have a child, like a child? Yes, yes. I could be the first pregnant man. I could stand behind myself and -- and support me... During the birth. And you -- would you like to have children? Uh, not that way. I don't think there's a breathing exercise in the world that could get me through a delivery. Oh. It'd be fun to watch you, though. You'd make me laugh. Ha! Oh, that's important. Well, I hate to agree with harold on anything, you know, but this situation between bob and glen actually has gotten out of hand. After bob impounded glen's marina with his r.V. Trapped inside, glen went over and broke into bob's office, which -- which is his locker at the golf course. And, well, he stole bob's I.U.D. Uncle -- uncle red, I think you mean "I.D." oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I hope so, yeah. Well, maybe it was -- maybe it was his I.D. With an I.O.U. In it. Uh, anyway, he took his wallet. And, uh -- and glen went down, uh, to -- to an r.V. Dealership, and he used the I.D. To buy himself a brand-new 30-foot mobile home. Yeah. It does sound like I.D. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, uh, glen drove out of there with -- with his big r.V. That was bought by, uh, bob stuyvesant without him knowing, of course. So now bob's account is about, uh, $50,000 overdrawn, which is gonna be tough for him to handle, even though, you know, he does make a good living working part time for the government. I thought he worked full time. No, no, no. He's -- he's paid full time, but he works part time. The rest of the time, he golfs. Anyway, by the time the bad check with the fake signature went "boing," the r.V. People called the cops, and they came over and arrested bob and glen, took them down to the courthouse. Well, old man sedgwick decided to go down and try to put up bail for them, and stinky peterson said he'd go along as a character witness, but luckily, they didn't get to testify. By the time they got there, the judge said that he was gonna drop all the charges against bob and glen as long as they could settle the thing themselves out of court. So it's the top item of business at tonight's lodge meeting. Boy, this pride thing really is dangerous, isn't it? Sure is, harold. You won't catch me doing it. Pride comes before, uh... Something -- something bad. Oh, by the way, I tried to look up "dander" in the dictionary. Oh, yeah? What'd you find? I found we could use a dictionary up here. [ screeching ] oh, that's it. They're calling the meeting. Oh, this is gonna be great. The wild possum has screamed! Uncle red, let's get downstairs. Oh, this is gonna be so cool. He was in jail. Ha ha! I wonder if he saw uncle raleigh. Well, it's amazing how much intrigue and drama and excitement we can get out of a $30 plexiglas sunroof, isn't it? Could be worse, though. We could be at home, watching this on television. Sorry, that came out wrong. [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] all right. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Well, I see, uh, bob and glen are out of sing sing. The floor recognizes bob stuyvesant. Thank you. I can't believe what happened. I mean, me, a government official, in jail. And I'm not even a politician. It was horrible. The cells -- they're -- they're just so small. There's no room to practice putting. I would die in prison. I would just die. Prison was fine for me. Cell was just like living in the r.V. Now, as I understand it, the judge has told these two guys they got to come up with a settlement of some kind. Yes. Well, I got an idea. Glen, you don't actually need a new r.V. You might get a lemon, or you could get one with a big scratch. They come with big scratches now. I heard that. Oh, it's true. And bob here -- well, it's not his fault that, uh, the sunroof got smashed. You know, he got a rogue ball. So, bob, why don't you just make good on the sunroof, and everybody will be happy, and nobody's compromised? Well, I-I can live with that. That's fine for me. Well, great, then all we got to do now is get bob to lift the injunction on the marina, and glen here can open up again. Well, there's no rush on that, red. I want to get the r.V. Out. Sure. No problem. I want to take her for a run, you know? She's been sitting around for a day. Uh, maybe I could take you out to the driving range tomorrow, bob. That would be great. I could drive out a bucket of balls. I could drive over a bucket of balls. [ laughter ] yeah, bob. It wasn't really your fault. It -- it's that helmut, that moron. He couldn't hit the broadside of a barn. He -- he is a broadside of a barn. 'cause he's big. You know what my mistake was? Standing downwind of him. He's lucky he didn't shoot his own head off, that helmut. Well, it wouldn't make any difference, if you know what I mean. You guys talking about me? Not me. Bob was, though. Well, I couldn't fix the sunroof on your r.V., but I found a golf ball. Oh. That's great. Why, that's my -- my lucky ball. Yeah? Good. [ crunching ] okay, buster! How'd you like to step outside! I'd love to! Whew! Wa-a-a! Well, now that that's taken care of, I call on bob here to supply the evening's entertainment. [ cheers ] thank you, red. Well, uh, my fellow brothers, there's this, uh -- there's this rabbi, this priest, and this minister. Well, I guess bob and glen have to be pretty satisfied with the way that turned out. They got to keep their pride and their teeth. And they've managed to stay out of jail, which, to me, is always worth a little extra time and effort. Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'm kind of in the mood for a little two-handed euchre. Or, failing that, maybe we could play some cards. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. anyway, anyway, uh, the rabbi decides eventually that he's gonna use -- the 5. 5-iron. 5-iron. Maybe it was a 4-iron. Putter, wasn't it? No, he's driving. Harold: He's driving up towards the putter? Will you guys listen to my story, all right? Oh, I'm sorry, bob. Go ahead. All right. Now, uh -- no, it's not break time yet. Look, uh -- all right. Well, he decides on the 5-iron, okay? He's using the 5-iron, and he decides to hit the ball with a 5-iron.